Domestic Violence - Three Stages
Posted: Monday, February 22, 2010
by Dorothy M Neddermeyer
Genesis Consultants, Inc.
The August 3, 2009 People Magazine featured R & B singer, Chris Brown's official apology which he issued via his website July 20, 2009, five months after assaulting his girl friend, Rihanna.
Brown stated, "I have told Rihanna countless times and I am telling you today that I am truly sorry that I wasn't able to handle the situation both differently and better. What I did was unacceptable 100 percent," he stated. "I can only ask and pray that you forgive me--please."
Stage 1 - Tension and Build Up:
Increased tension, anger, blaming, arguing and out bursts or raging. This phase could last a few weeks, months or years. This phase usually becomes more frequent as the pattern is repeated. Typically there is an increase in verbal and minor physical abuse. In this stage the victim is sometimes frightened into submission. The victim knows what will transpire if she/he does not comply with the aggressor. The victim is sometimes amenable to sources of help in this stage.
Stage 2 - Serious Battering Incident:
Battering, hitting slapping, choking, kicking, use of objects or weapons, including Sexual abuse and verbal threats of more grave violence permeates Stage 2. During this stage the offender loses the desire or ability to control his/her anger and violence. The batterer has come to know that his/her actions helps to 'relieve stress' and 'change another's behavior.' Following a Stage 2 episode the batterer and the partner might seek help. The partner is seriously hurt and scared, and the batterer is feeling ashamed, guilty and humiliated.
Stage 3 - Calm; also known as Honeymoon period:
This stage might decrease over time. The batterer may deny violence, says he/she was drunk, gives an apology, 'sorry,' pleads for forgiveness and promises that it will never happen again. The victim is least amenable for help at this point. The batterer may be open to seek help at the start of this phase because generally, he/she is remorseful and wishes to please and/or keep the partner.
As you can see Chris Brown is in Stage 3, pleading for Rihanna to forgive him and making a promise, '...it will never happen again,' that he can't keep. Don't be fooled by his public apology and the media championing his cause, he has not changed his behavior and can not change his behavior, unless and until he heals the deep emotional wounds that are the core issue that feeds his cycle of build up, violent acts and calm after the storm-honeymoon period.
What can a partner do when she/he has been verbally or physically abused? The first step is to recognize what transpired. It is difficult to accept that you have been abused by someone, who you believe loves you. Look at what you experienced. No one has the right to frighten, threaten or assault you. If a stranger did what your partner did, she/he would be arrested, if the incident were reported. Why then would you allow yourself to be treated in such a violent way by someone who claims to love you?
Take this behavior seriously. Realize you need help and you did not cause or deserve the abuse. Tell trusted adults, friend or someone in authority to give you moral support to take the steps to protect yourself.
Call a hotline or 911. Plan for your safety in the interim, go to a friend, neighbor or family's home.
Epilog: People Magazine reveals on the occasion of Chris Brown's sentencing, that a, "Pattern of Violence Shown in Brown-Rihanna Relationship" This substantiates the progression of domestic violence.
Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, Life Coach, Hypnosis Practitioner, Speaker, Author, "101 Great Ways To Improve Your Life." Dr. Dorothy has the unique gift of connecting people with a broad range of profound principles that resonate in the deepest part of their being. She brings awareness to concepts not typically obvious to one's daily thoughts and feelings. http://www.drdorothy.net
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